Have you ever thought about how babies in the womb communicate without words, and yet the mother understands their needs with a simple kick or a subtle movement? The process from conception to birth unveils a silent harmony of connection transcending verbal communication. Researchers say that upon birth, a normal full-term baby would instinctively cry, make noises, and seek out a response from the caregiver. When their needs are consistently met, an attachment is formed between the baby and the caregiver. Bowlby’s attachment theory suggests that the child uses the caregiver as a secure foundation on which future interactions are built. How amazing is that?
We don’t get to choose our families yet our first encounter with the concept of relationship occurs within the confines of our family. First with a mother right from the womb, then with caregivers. For those who have siblings, we get introduced to another side of this phenomenon. Our interactions start to carve a canvas on our minds, with every stroke highlighting a new concept: companionship, competition, rivalry, laughter, conflict, sharing, and negotiation. We learn to understand hearts other than our own without anyone having to explain why we need these interactions. Our shared responsibilities become the bedrock on which friendships bloom.
Outside of our family units, friendship becomes the most complicated relationship we get introduced to. Unlike family, we choose our friends. We meet strangers, one interaction leads to another and then our minds tell us, “I want to be around this person”, or “I think I can trust them with my thoughts, my words, and even my heart”. We confide in them, become partners in mischief, and a support system for one another. These bonds are sometimes strong enough for us to consider friendship to be as deep as family ties. Perhaps, this is what King Solomon meant when he said “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” – Proverbs 18:24’.
I wonder what it is that helps us connect with people beyond blood ties. Do we need relationships? If so, why do we need them?
Neuroscientists have been asking these same questions for decades and have yet to answer them conclusively. However, studies have shown that Oxytocin, a hormone produced by the hypothalamus at the base of the brain, is released in response to positive social experiences such as hugs longer than 20 seconds. Also, parents with higher levels of Oxytocin are more likely to respond to their children affectionately, further strengthening the parent-child bond. What is even more interesting is that the release of this hormone has been proven to reduce stress, lower the heart rate, reduce inflammation, and strengthen the immune system.
The lack of connection and loneliness on the other hand can lead to anxiety, depression, higher stress levels, and increased risk of stroke. I think about all these and it makes sense why God, after creating man said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” – Genesis 2:18
God in his wisdom knew that we needed companionship to live a fulfilling life, so he designed for us to grow in community. He made it such that as infants we are dependent on the nurturing care of our parents or caregivers. He even put much detail into wiring the body with Oxytocin so that parents can express their love to us and in return we can feel secure and have an example of a healthy interpersonal connection in the future. By God’s design, we grow up with siblings and/or friends who support us in seasons when our strength is failing. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
As we mature into adulthood, our relationships throw challenges at us, weeding away bonds that were not as strong as we thought they were and at times, separating us from the ones with whom we share blood ties. Then comes Marriage, the ultimate commitment, representing a merging of two individuals into a unified life-long covenant. With each relationship, a unique set of challenges and joys emerge. Vulnerability becomes a shared language empowering us to support each other as it is required of us. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17.
We learn to find hope in the smiles of strangers, and joy in the unspoken bond with the barista who knows your coffee order even before you say a word. Each connection, however short-lived, adds a stitch to the intricate fabric of our human experience. Without the laughter shared with friends, the support of family, and the comfort of a loving partner, our lives would be boring monochromatic sketches on a canvas of wood, instead of vibrant masterpieces. For at the heart of it all, we are, fundamentally, social creatures made for relationships, wired for connection, and built to thrive in the warmth of shared experiences.
Now that we know why relationships matter, how do we nurture and maintain these relationships in a healthy way?